Sometimes shopping is a pain in the arse.

Shopping bothers me. Not that I don’t like buying things or that it takes me ages to find what I want, it’s just the stores that get on my nerves.

In the town centre after you have battled your way through…well…idiots who have no spatial awareness. You walk into a shop you get “greeted” by a blast of hot air in your face which sends you hot and bothered before you’re even glimpsed at a clothes rail. Then you proceed to listen to horrid “mom pop” (upbeat pop songs that contain no swearing, promotion of drugs/alcohol or rapping) I’ve come to find that Duffy’s “Mercy” is a popular one, so much so that i’d rather rip my ears off, boil them in cat piss and eat them then listen to that song again. Oh and don’t even get me started when October comes and BHS starts blasting out Shakin’ Stevens, Christmas songs increase my stress levels by 5000%. If the horrid “music” hasn’t given you a headache by now the shop lighting sure will. And this is just the start of our little imaginary shopping adventure.

Now as someone who has been born and bred in England I seem to have acquired the “shut the fuck up and leave me alone before I leave” attitude. It actually shocks me how some people don’t mind being followed by shop assistants who constantly want to know if you’re ok, what you want to buy and you’re general life story. For me, if someone has asked me if i’m alright once that’s fine, but when the other shop assistants see it as a challenge to get answers out of me it’s not cool. If I want help I’ll ask for it. Is there something wrong with going into a shop just for a browse nowadays?

I’m not alone with this, I know plenty of other people who feel the same way. English shopping culture is different than the American shopping culture that seems to  be slowly introduced. Over here people are nice but on the other side of the pond it’s a different story. American’s are more happy and talkative for a reason, they have good weather in most places, Reeces peanut butter and Disney World (who wouldn’t be happy?).  

Because being overly enthusiastic seems to be the trend for recruitment at the moment, interviews tend to be…different. I had an interview at Lush a couple of years ago, I thought I’d like it because all their products are natural and they’re against animal testing, great. But on the first course of the interview I had to rub someone’s arm with a massage bar (creepy and a bit too close for comfort) obviously I got through the first stage because I’m awesome at massages. Then the second stage was a trial shift, I was told to greet customers AS SOON as they walked in; which I’ve got to admit, I felt embarrassed because I knew they were actually thinking “shut the fuck up and leave me alone before I leave”, however I was practically forced into doing this. In my 2 hours working there I observed the “employees”, and by employees I mean escapees from a mental institution. 50% of them had some sort of bright hair colour, 90% of them ran around the store like children, 40% of them were singing (probably “mom pop”) and 100% of them were as annoying as fuck. Safe to say I didn’t get the job, even though I sold more products than the rest of the workers, by using my less invasive method of giving people help when they needed it. I simply wasn’t crazy enough.

Thanks for reading! If you related to this drop me a comment 🙂




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